Things That Suck
by Ms. Selly
Summary: The innermost thoughts of the typical cynical teenager. Except is a Summers girl ever typical? Spuffy
1. Default Chapter

A/N: It's my first BtVS fic, and first non-anime fic. So cut me some slack. Reviews! Please!

Jenny Evelyn Summers' List of Things that Suck

10. Being 14

9. Not having a boyfriend

8. Going to a high school where freaky things always happen

7. Having way too many "relatives"

6. Having a best friend who is prettier than you

5. Above friend has a great talent

4. Having your mother work at your school

3. Having to spend unnatural amounts of time with your parent's freaky friends

2. Being named after your mother's old guy friend's dead girlfriend

And the NUMBER 1 thing that sucks:

My dad

I'll explain the things that suck later.  Don't worry.  But now, I want to map out my "family".  Because if I don't get it down on paper, I'll never figure it out.  And probably still won't but, hey, I haven't got better stuff to do.  Besides, I might need this someday when the court asks to what do I account my insanity to.  So let's try this.  By the by, everyone referred to as "Aunt" or "Uncle" isn't really my aunt or uncle. My parent's are both only children.  They're people who are too close to be called "Mr." Or "Ms.", but need more than a first name for some authority.

People they try to treat like family but really aren't

(My Godfathers, Yes. I have more than one. Deal with it.)

Godfather #1: Xander Harris.  Lives with girlfriend, Anya.  That's right.  Just "Anya".  Who is not, by the way, a godmother.  He's fairly geeky.  He loves Superman comic books and makes really bad jokes that most people don't get.  He's one of my mom's friends from high school. Great. However, Uncle Xander buys very good presents.  When Anya isn't spending all his money. Godfather rating: 5 out of 10

Godfather #2: Angel. Yes, another one word-er.  And don't you just feel sorry for the poor guy now?  I mean, "Angel"?  Somebody had a bitter mother.  Anyway, Uncle Angel is my dark and brooding godfather.  He is like, Champion Brooder of the Universe.  When he gets going, every single part of the guy righteously droops.  Except his hair, of course.  Uncle Angel wears more hair gel than most of the boys at my school do.  And he's, like, old.  Not that he looks it.  They say he's a really old friend of my dad, but they bicker like hell.  So maybe somebody isn't telling me everything. Surprise, surprise.  Anyway, when Uncle Angel comes over, I always get to learn wonderful new British words from my dad.  I'll give him credit for that. Godfather rating: 6 out of 10

Godfather #3: Rupert Giles. Is the old guy mentioned above, the one who's dead girlfriend I'm named after.  Can you say creepy?  Uncle Giles, as everyone calls him, is the King of Tweed.  I have never seen him not wearing a tweed suit.  He also polishes his glasses whenever the conversation starts to get tense. Or embarrassing.  Which means his lenses are probably worn paper thin every time Anya comes over.  But more on that later.  Uncle Giles loves old, dusty, boring books.  Godfather rating: 2 out of 10

The Godmothers

Godmother #1: Willow Rosenberg.  Aunt Willow is cool.  She likes computers, is a Wicca, and is gay.  She lives with her girlfriend, Faith.  I'll tell you about Faith later. But she's not a godmother.  Aunt Willow is usually really fun, but she gets flustered and babbles which can be really annoying.  She had the Goddess bless my backpack, which is really funky.  Godmother rating: 8 out of 10

Godmother #2: Drusilla.  Why do all these people have just one word names?  Anyway, supposedly this "Aunt Drusilla" is a godmother of mine, but I've never met her.  She and Dad were friends.  From what I've heard, okay, eavesdropped, Mom didn't want to include her, but Dad "persuaded" her.  Gross images, eww, eww, eww.  Godmother rating: n/a

Random People

Faith: Faith, as mentioned, is Aunt Willow's girlfriend.  And another one word lady.  Apparently she had a lot of boyfriends in her day.  Very short relationships.  Translation: Queen of One-night Stands.  Her current (and longest) boyfriend, who incidentally, will be discussed later, took her to a shrink to look at her relationship issues.  Turns out the reason she couldn't form a proper relationship with a man was, surprise, surprise! She was gay.  So she talked to Aunt Willow, her only gay friend and…the rest is, shall we say, the present.  Now, after all that back story: Faith is so totally cool.  She has the hottest clothes and the best sense of fun!  She loves to party and hang out and she takes me to the Bronze every Friday.  Everybody thinks she's like, my college friend, not my godmother's girlfriend.  Faith rocks.

Andrew:  He isn't a "one-word-wonder", I just don't know his last name.  I try to avoid Andrew.  He is a geek to the extreme, even Uncle Xander gets freaked out by the magnitude of his geekiness. He also has a strange obsession with Hot Pockets.  The guy is also a total incompetent.  He had to call Aunt Willow to help him program his microwave.  Andrew is the whiniest, most pathetic creature on this green Earth.  He also gets totally freaked out every time someone says the word "first", and is irrationally afraid of people named "Warren".  He has some serious psychological problems.

Robin Wood: He is, horror of horrors, principal at Sunnydale High.  My school.  He was Faith's final boy-toy.  I think he still wants her, which is sad.  Mr. Wood has some deep-seated issues with my dad.  They're always scowling at each other, and muttering under their breath, and clenching their fists.  It's really pathetic.  Why can't they just duke it out, like normal people?  Principal Wood actually could be pretty cool, if he wasn't a principal and all that.

Anya: Told you I would get to her.  Anya is one of the most perverted women on this planet.  All she ever thinks about is sex.  I'm serious.  I'm a teenager, and I don't think about it a quarter as much as she does.  I was probably the only girl in first grade who had a detailed knowledge of male anatomy.  And various painful punishments employing that knowledge.  Anya likes to buy things, and Uncle Xander has had to cut her credit cards in half more than once.  But he loves her anyways.  Or maybe he just loves the whole "I'm-a-total-sex-brain-so-lets-go-right-here-in-the-middle-of-the-room-with-everybody-watching-thing".  Oh great, more unspeakable bad imagery.

My parents

Buffy Anne Summers: My mom works at my school.  There really is no end to my torment.  She tries to be cool and all but she just…isn't.  Mom was totally unpopular at Sunnydale, but insists she was the queen of the school she went to in L.A.  Whatever.  I'm kind of scared for her, because she's always picking fights with my dad, and I get the feeling he's a dangerous guy.

William Summers?: I don't know my dad's last name.  Isn't that sad?  I guess it should be Summers, since that's my mom's name.  Of course, if they aren't married then, well I won't go into that.  Anyway, you probably have been dying to know why my dad was the number one thing that sucked in my life.  Well, I'll tell you later.  First, let's go over when I didn't hate my dad.  When I was a kid, I thought he was the coolest thing ever.  He was always home, and he basically lived in the basement, which was cool for some reason.  He told me the best stories, which mysteriously ended with people playing checkers as soon as Mom came in.  And I thought it was great that he always drank cranberry juice.  Never grape, or apple or any other kind, only cranberry.  And he would microwave it usually, and pull out a thermometer to make sure it was exactly 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.  Sometimes he put in cocoa mix and mini-marshmallows.  Lots of times he would put Wheet-a-bix in and mush it all around and slurp it out of the mug.  Dad also was (is) British, so he would use all sorts of weird British expressions I didn't know the meanings of.  You have no idea how much he meant to me.  I probably would have willingly laid my life down on the line for my dad.  Of course, everything is different now.  But you don't want to hear about that, do you?  I mean, why should anyone care about my problems with my father?


	2. Numero Dos

A/N: Don't get used to this speedy-update thing…I had one already written and was online anyway so…

So I'm back.  I decided that the world may not want to hear about my issues.  But I need to tell someone.  Or something, I suppose.  My dad.  As I said, when I was a kid, Dad was the very coolest.  Now I know the truth.  My father is an alcoholic, unemployed loser.  And I'm pretty sure he beats Mom.  Yeah, reeling aren't you?  Think I'm just an over reacting teen.  Wish I was.  Let's address the issues one at a time, shall we?

Alcoholic: The cranberry juice I mentioned previously.  Guess what Jeeves, it's not cranberry juice.  It's red wine.  Meaning all my father does is sit around and drink wine all day.  Is that not a fair definition of an alcoholic? Unemployed: "Sit around all day".  Pretty much sums it up.  He almost never leaves the house.  He just sits in the basement all day.  Then, at night, he and mom go out.  Then they come home and he goes back down. Loser: Alcoholic and unemployed.  That constitutes a "loser", don't you think? Beating: It's hard for me to even write about this.  Like I said, almost every night he and mom go somewhere.  I don't know where.  But almost every morning when she comes home, she's got a cut.  Or a bruise.  Or a scratch.  And she makes the most pathetic excuses.  "Oh, I tripped".  "Oh, I just dropped a vase".  Yeah right, Mom.  And I can't tell anybody.  Don't roll your eyes, I'm not one of those "But I'll break up the family.  It'll be all my fault" types.  It's just, who am I going to tell?  All Mom's friends seem to be a little bit scared of Dad, and they'd all be sure to tell Mom what I said.  And she's definitely fits the profile of a "He doesn't mean to hurt me…I made him angry, so it's my fault" girl.  She's just so weak.  It makes me angry sometimes how she just submits to him when he gets mad.  I can't tell a guidance counselor because-besides the fact it's totally loser-world to go to a guidance counselor-I haven't got any proof.  Mom certainly won't testify against him.  So none of her friends will.  Dad is dangerous.  Why can't everybody see that? 

Well, now that I've gotten all that venting out of the way, how bout I tell you what's going on in my life?  Well first of all, Andrew is staying in our house.  Save me, please.  Apparently there was a bug infestation at his apartment so the whole thing is closed for fumigation.  Now Dad comes out of the basement even less and when he does, it's to "Tell Demon-boy to sod off."  Two things can be gained from that statement: number one, Andrew is the most annoying man in the universe.  He carries a video camera everywhere and is constantly trying to tape people.  Number two: Dad seems to have difficulty remembering people's real names.

A List of Things My Dad Calls Various People

Andrew=Demon-boy, Curly Fry, Stupid Wanker

Xander=Whelp, Wanker-man, Sir Nancy-boy

Willow=Red, Witchchild

Faith=That bitch(when Mom isn't around)

Angel=Angela, Angie, Angie-boy, King Nancy, Drooper, Fluffy, (when he gets really furious) Liam

Anya= Her, Sex-pot, Stay-away-from-me-and-don't-you-touch-my-pants (yuck)

Giles=Library Man, Booksy

Mr. Wood=Nikki's boy, (when he thinks I'm not listening) Slayer-brat

Mom (Not including all the mushy stuff)=Sunshine/Summer Sunshine

Me=Doll, Sunshine the Second, Little/Poor/Sweet Nibble

Anyone=(female) Luv, pet, sweetheart (male) Wanker, Nancy boy

The evidence has been presented, I now close my case.  Ha ha.  If you haven't noticed, I like lists.  It's not that I'm some neat freak or an organizer nut.  In fact, the nuclear waste creature living in my locker…oh god.  I made a joke worthy of Uncle Xander.  Someone, I'm begging you.  Shoot me now.  Back to the topic.  I just like lists.  Mom says it's because I'm methodical.  Dad says it's because "you sodding people are a bad influence on poor nibble".  Ooh.  Just remembered something else I can complain about Dad.  His hair.  My father.  Bleaches.  His. Hair.  It is white blonde.  And all slicked back, like he thinks he's so hot.  And he's what?  40?  But he really doesn't look that old.  It's weird.  It's not like Mom looks old, it's more like…wear.  You can tell she's been living.  Dad…it's like he stepped out of a picture of himself from like 20 years ago.  And I've seen those pictures.  At least he doesn't wear all that leather and chains anymore.  I would be humiliated beyond all belief if I ever saw my dad dressed up like some kind of gangster punk.  And that's just me.  If anyone I knew saw him looking like that…I would never show my face within a 100 mile radius of Sunnydale ever again!

_Ding-dong!_

I am not getting the door.

_Ding-"Bloody hell-JENNY!"-dong!_

Damn.

_I walked down the stairs.  Walked in the sense of jumped them 3 at a time.  Dad was glaring out of the basement doorway, standing in a shadow.  That man is so lazy.  I pulled the door open.  Somebody barreled past me, knocking me into the closet.  I turned around to see Uncle Angel standing next to Dad, a thick blanket over his head.  Why, oh, why Lord?_

_            "What are you doing here Angie?" Dad smirked.  Uncle Angel dropped his blanket and somehow managed to both scowl and brood at the same time.  Mr. Multi-tasker is in the house._

_            "Hello Uncle Angel." I said out of politeness.  Somebody had to be polite around here.  Even if that somebody had just gotten hammered into a closet._

_            "Hey Jenny," he said distractedly, looking worriedly out the windows, yet still both scowling and brooding.  This man is my new hero.  Dad scowled back at him._

_            "I asked you a question.  Since you're in my house-"_

_            "It's Buffy's house," Uncle Angel snapped.  Dad looked very shocked.  I was too actually.  Uncle Angel really isn't one to snap.  More of a "shut-up-I'm-broody" kind of guy.  I was still happy to hear someone would stand up to King Brit._

_            "Well Buffy isn't here.  So it goes to me by default."  He finally responded with the dark scowl he always reserved especially for Uncle Angel._

_            "Something was following me."  Uncle Angel finally gave up peeking out of windows and drooped back to normal.  He turned sullenly to Dad who was raising his eyebrows in a disbelieving way._

_            "No.  Who could that be?  The FBI? Police?  Rabid sex-" he broke off with a cough when he noticed I was still here.  Thanks for the protection Dad.  Where were you when Anya came over for my 5th birthday?_

_            "I don't mean chasing," Uncle Angel glared broodily and indignantly.  How does he manipulate his face like that? "I mean tailing.  Spying.  Is there some obscure British word that would clarify this to you?"  Ouch.  Burn 1 for Uncle Angel._

_            "Shut up and get to the point," Dad bristled dangerously.  I thought I actually saw his eyes flash gold, like people's always do in books.  Funky._

_            "The point is…who would follow me around?  Why?"_

_            "Maybe they want to kill you," Dad suggested, cheering up considerably.  I rolled my eyes.  You know there's a lot of love in this house when we happily wish each other were being hunted down.  Uncle Angel just brooded deeper._

_            "If they'd wanted to kill me, they probably would have," he mused quietly.  I for one had had quite enough of this strange conversation.  I didn't know why anyone might wish death to Uncle Angel, and I frankly didn't want to.  I turned to go back up the stairs._

_            "Doll, be a luv and tell your mum darling Angela has stopped by for a cuppa,"  Dad ushered Uncle Angel into the basement and slammed the door behind them.  Sheesh.  I have to do absolutely everything in this house._

Back.  What a drag.  My life sucks.  Told you that already though, didn't I?  Losing my memory.  Premature too.  Must be close proximity to a large number of crazy people.


	3. Third Up

Today I have decided to tell you about school.  I know you're just on the edge of your chair.  Well, here's the deal.  I don't really have a "group" at school.  I'm not a goth, punk, delinquent or loser.  But I'm not popular either.  Not in any clubs or anything.  So I just kind of drift.  Drift, drift, drift.  That's my job.  So then.  Yeah.  Okay, important stats on people at my school.

List of Friends/Enemies/Scary People

1. Catalina Coronado: My best friend.  We tell each other everything.  Lindsey is a dancer.  She's on the dance squad at school and wins competitions and stuff.  She's so flexible and pretty.  I really wish I was more like her.  Not in a scary "insane-with-jealousy" kind of way.  Just in a "wow-why-can't-I-be-as-fun-and-talented-as-Catalina?" way.  And isn't that the most perfect name for a dancer?  She won't even need to make up a stage name.  But Cat says she's going to start spelling it "Katylinae" so people will remember it.  Just like Cyd Cherise.

2. Ashleigh Severson: My worst enemy.  I hate her gorgeous, popular guts.  Ashleigh is also on the dance squad.  But she's no where near as talented as Lindsey.  Well, yeah, she wins a lot.  She's also one of the top girls on the squad.  But that's only because she's always throwing various "parts" in judges faces.  In other words: she wins because she's a dirty ho.  Better wash my pen out with soap.  Mom would kill me if she knew I wrote that.

3. "Snap": My crush.  Yes it's pathetic.  A life-hating cynical girl like me should not have a secret crush.  But I do.  I don't even know his real name.  I just know that all of his friends call him "Snap".  As in "Snapshot".  He's a photographer.  Head of yearbook photography.  He's even got a couple shots published in magazines.  He has soft blonde hair that kind of sticks up funny, but not gelled or anything.  Okay, I don't know if it's soft.  But it sure looks soft.  And he has the most amazing hazel eyes.  Are they green or are they brown?  I could look forever.  Yuck, mushiness.  Better move on.

4. Abraham "Ham" Smithers: Numero uno scary person.  He's totally obsessed with occult and junk.  He founded an occult club at school.  Some of the various freaks joined.  Everyone calls him Ham because, well, they do.  He's not fat or anything.  Actually he's fairly muscular for a nerd.  Must be carrying all those heavy books around.

So that's the top 4 people you need to know about.  Cat, Evil Ash, Snap, and Ham.  Ta-da!  Well, now for the update of the Summers home.  Uncle Angel is still brooding in the basement about people who might want to kill him.  Dad is picking fights with him whenever possible and still being an all-around bum.  Mom is holding the little boys apart and still trying to be "Super-cool Mom".  Andrew is still flitting around the house like a hyperactive butterfly, videotaping people.  Uncle Xander and Aunt Willow drop by intermittently, sometimes bringing Anya and Faith with.  Then all the "grown-ups" have a big meeting and keep me out.  Usually Dad is grumpy afterward.  Wow, shocker.  So everything is fairly normal in the Summers household.  Normal as in "freakishly-weird-but-not-any-weirder-than-always".  If you haven't noticed, I also like to come up with nice long phrases to describe stuff.  Just one word doesn't really express my point as well.  Hopefully Friday will come soon so Faith and I can go to the Bronze.  It's getting very agoraphobic around here.

      _BANG! BANG!_

_      "Somebody open this!" _Uncle Angel.  Great.  Better go.

_      I threw the door open and Uncle Angel staggered in.  He was carrying a woman in his arms.  She was wearing a very pretty dress actually.  Ancient, but pretty.  It was nice burgundy velvet with silver lacing.  I'm not usually one for dresses, but it looked very nice on her.  She was looking pretty limp.  She also had a black cloth over her head, but I could see some dark chocolaty colored ringlets.  Dad thundered out of the kitchen._

_      "What's with all the--bloody hell Angel!"  he stopped his fuming when he saw what Uncle Angel was holding.  He glanced at the dress and froze.  He looked up at him._

_      "No…" he demanded an answer with his eyes while refusing to believe them.  Uncle Angel walked further in and I shut the door behind him._

_      "It is," He said solemnly, depositing the body onto the couch with a slight "poof" noise, "She's been tailing me all week.  And then when I cornered her, she tried to attack me.  But it didn't work.  She just, grabbed her head and fell over.  When I checked she was unconscious, so I brought her back here."  Dad was scowling very very darkly.  Even more so than the usual dark scowl._

_      "Intense head pain when trying to harm 'good guys', hmm?  Now why does this seem so déjà vu?" He snorted sarcastically, his eyes still alight, "If that mad rotter has done anything to hurt Dru-"_

_      "Who is she?" I asked.  They both jumped, like they hadn't noticed I'd been standing there the whole time._

_      "Uhh, Jenny, meet your Aunt Drusilla," Dad said nervously.  I stared down at the lady on the couch, who still had the cloth on her face.  I looked back up at him._

_      "I assume I should call Mom."_

_      "Yeah," Dad said, getting scowly again, "But first, I need to call the florist."  Right then.  My godfather shows up with my unconscious long-lost godmother in his arms, talks about attacks or something, and my dad's first course of action is to order a bouquet.  Have I mentioned how screwed up my family is?_


	4. Who's on Fourth

A/N: Here's the posting schedule: All week I write, then I post only on weekends. OK? By the by…I HAVE A SPIKE MAGNET! YAY!!!!

Things are definitely weirder around here since Aunt Dru came along.  I know, I thought it was impossible too.  You see, my Aunt Dru is, how can I say this nicely?  A card-carrying, union member loony.  She has no shred of sanity whatsoever!  All she ever does is wander around the house and play with her dolls.  Which are, you may as well know, all blindfolded.  And in varying states of decay.  Many don't have both ears.  Uncle Giles says she's just "disoriented".  Yeah sure.  The first thing the godmother I had never met said to me was, "You've got a smoking duck on your head.  Quack quack it says."  She's British, like Dad and Uncle Giles.  But she has the most drifty voice you've ever heard.  It's constantly changing pitch and she sways when she talks.  Maybe she's a druggie.  Probably.  Mom doesn't seem to like her.  She's always trying to stay out of the room Aunt Dru is in, and actually making Dad do stuff.  At night, anyway.  Dad and Uncle Angel are the Conflicto-men.  Dad seems both thrilled to see her, and unhappy.  Uncle Angel seems very unhappy, but secretly thrilled.  Opposite sides of the same coin.  That's a really weird saying.  Can't let my mind wander….

_            "Is that a diary pet?"  I spun around to see Aunt Drusilla hovering in my doorway, smiling that mindless smile.  Today she's wearing a pair of Mom's jeans and one of Dad's old t-shirts.  Somehow she looked more at home in the antique dress._

_            "Not exactly," I told her, discreetly closing my journal and sliding on top of it.  Dru clucked her tongue and waggled a finger at me, still smiling widely._

_            "Now, now.  You can't keep secrets from your Aunt Drusilla.  I know.  I always know," she drifted off, staring blankly into space.  Now I was feeling uncomfortable._

_            "Yeah.  You know, I think I hear Mom calling for you," I urged.  She turned her head slowly and stared at me without comprehension.  Then, ever as slowly, she nodded._

_            "I need to find some tea for Miss Edith.  She has been improving and we must reward her, mustn't we?"  She floated out of the doorway and I heard her drift down the stairs._

She is sooo freaky.  Makes me really nervous.  The way she stares at you with those big, bright eyes.  It's almost like she knows things about you that you can't tell anyone else.  Or not.  I think she's affecting me.  The whole "I always know" thing has got me jittery.  But Aunt Dru really is shaking things up at our house.  I heard Mom and Dad arguing when they thought I was listening to my Walkman.

_            "You let him invite her into our home?! How could you do this?  What about Jenny?" Mom had demanded._

_            "You heard what Fluff told us.  Your beloved Captain Cardboard has been fiddling with my Dru and-"_

_            "Your Dru? Oh, so suddenly you're all protective and affectionate?  And you told me that was over," she growled._

_            "It is over!  I just meant, I know what she's going through right now.  Dru was never equal to you Sunshine," he put his arms around her and the argument was over._

            See how things are with them?  So apparently Dad and Aunt Dru were, horror of horrors, "involved".  Spare me the gooky details, please.  So yeah.  I'm just happy it's Friday.  Bronze night!  I'm finally going to get out of this crazy house.  A whole group of girls is coming.  Cat, some of her dance squad, me of course, and Cat thinks Snap might show! Ooh, cue high-pitched girly squeals!  But right now, I'm thinking about what to wear.  I was thinking blue jeans, not too tight, not too baggy, with this funky lavender chiffon midriff over a black tee.  Sexy, huh?  With those boots Faith lent me! Perfect! Yikes, better start getting dressed!

_            I descended the stairs, a picture of female goodness.  Let Snap show, I'm gonna blow him away!  Now, just have to wait for Faith to show up and I'm outta here!_

_            "Hey Nibble," I tensed and turned to see Dad standing in the kitchen doorway, "Faith called to tell you she couldn't make it tonight."  My head spins, I moan with unhappiness.  How could she do this to me?  And here comes Aunt Dru, from the living room._

_            "I'm bored," she whined, resting an arm on Dad's sleeve, "Give me something to do, sweet Willy."  Sweet Willy?  Back off auntie, this man's taken.  Dad looks from Dru to me and back again.  Then he grins widely and puts an arm around Aunt Dru._

_            "Don't you worry Dru.  We're going dancing.  Just give us a minute luv, and we can all go to the Bronze."  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!_

            We are at the Bronze, luckily no one has come yet.  I haven't seen Dad or Aunt Drusilla yet either.  After that car ride, I'm not surprised if she's throwing up.  Dad is probably the worst driver I've ever seen.  But then again, it might have something to do with the fact someone "mysteriously" spilled black paint over all the windows.  I'm just hoping that paint got "spilled" over the license plate too.  I don't want anyone to know it was us with all those mailboxes.  And the street light.  And the "Drive Safely!" sign.  Wait, here come people.  Tell more later.

            _"So I said to him, I really couldn't care less if-" One of Cat's dance friends stopped in the middle of her very amusing story and began to drool into her soda, "Oh my god.  Girls, don't look now but the hottest guy in the world is in our little club."  Everyone cautiously peeks onto the floor and voices their agreements.  I, of course, sat with my back to the dance floor so I can't turn around and look without being really obvious.  Damn._

_            "Oh god, he's fine!"_

_            "But it looks like he's got someone with him."_

_            "You can look now Jen, he turned away," Cat urged.  I slowly turned around, preparing myself for some goodness of the male kind._

_            "He's right there, by the speaker on the left," one girl pointed out.  I gazed over there and choked.  Guess who?  Totally decked out in black leather, with a (thankfully) tastefully simple silver chain around his neck is, thank you lady luck, my father.  With Aunt Dru waltzing around him like a total hippie.  She's got another red ensemble, pleather skirt with halter.  Stolen from Mom's closet I would think.  Dear lord why do you hate me?  And now I'm filled with disgust.  My friends are crushing on my dad.  Shudder, shudder, ewwwww.  Oh no, coming this way.  What do I do? What do I-_

_            "Hey pet, having a good time?" He smiled, Dru still swaying slightly off tempo.  All my friends melt in their stools. God is this gross._

_            "William, I want to dance…" Aunt Dru sang, waving her arms fluidly._

_            "Hi! I don't think I've seen you around here, I'm Cat," My poor, poor friend.  You love a man who is WAY too old for you._

_            "William," he shook her hand and I saw her shiver involuntarily.  He always did have really cold hands.  Funny-story girl decided to ask the question I had been dreading._

_            "So, how do you know Jenny?"  It was all I could do not to squeeze my eyes shut and wish to disappear.  I kept my eyes open and wished to disappear.  Here it comes, the big one.  My cover is blown._

_            "Oh, we go way back.  Anyone want a drink?  Dru and me were just heading over,"  I could not believe my ears.  He kept the secret!  He didn't betray me and toss me to the evil wolves of high school!  Maybe he doesn't suck so much after all._

_            "But I don't want a drink, William.  I want to dance," Aunt Drusilla whined, tugging on his sleeve pathetically.  Dad rolled his eyes to make the girls giggle then turned to me._

_            "Say luv, do you want to stay and dance with Dru?"  As my friends all turned to look at me he gave me a "do-what-I-say-now-or-I-blow-this-whole-thing-wide-open-and-humiliate-you-for-the-rest-of-your-existence" look._

_            "Sure.  Grab me a Pepsi."  I carefully led Aunt Dru back onto the dance floor and she smiled brightly at me._

_            "Now the cherubs are happy and we can all bathe in peace," she said with out a hint of sarcasm or humor.  I would now like to thank all the powers that be she didn't say that in the presence of my friends.  Who have no idea my house is an undercover insane asylum._

Quite a night.  I can scarcely believe Dad didn't tell everyone we were related.  I'm in such a good mood, I postponed mixing hot pink dye in with Uncle Angel's hair gel.  So he should be singing praises too.  Hey, I just realized I haven't said one thing about what I look like in here.  Fancy that.  Guess that means I'm getting less superficial.  But, I might as well tell you because, haven't got anything else to write about tonight.  Okay, thankfully, I didn't inherit Mom's adorable blonde look.  I've got kinda caramely-ish hair.  Which must be Dad's color underneath all the dye.  My eyes are kind of nondescript "dark".  Sorta brown, sorta hazely, sorta black-ish.  And I'm average height.  So while I'm not petite like Mom is, I don't really tower over people.  So that's me.  Nondescript and all that.  I'm bummed that Snap never showed.  Not that I would dare even talk to him with Dad around.  Talk about over protective!  He can somehow even tell if I sat next to a guy science lab!  He's like psychic or something.  Well, now I'm tired.  So I'm going to take my normal, nondescript bum to bed.  Good night.


	5. Chappie Five

            I'm sitting in the dentist's office right now.  I'm waiting in the big move-y chair waiting for someone to shove their hand into my mouth.  But Dr. Singer and Carol the hygienist are deep in discussion about what color toothbrushes they should order for next year.  Currently there's a drag out between die-hard green-and-white fans and pink-and-purple people.  It's riveting, really.  But it'll take a while, so I'm going to tell all about my day.  Excitement excitement.  The most exciting thing that happened today was I flunked a paper for Com. Arts.  Now, I'm not grades-girl.  But I'm no flunkie either.  The assignment was "Modern Mythology".  Turns out "Drinking Diet Pepsi Will Make You Thin and Sexy" wasn't exactly the kind of myth Ms. Madison had in mind.  So I flunked, but since my original paper was so good, I get a weekend to rewrite it.  Ms. M isn't so bad. She's usually really nice, but sometimes she gets the nastiest look on her face.  Like she wants to turn you into a rat or something.  So guess who I had to talk to for ideas?  That's right, my main freaky man Ham.  His paper was so good, it's not even finished yet.  He's still madly researching.  I went to see him in the library and he told me all about his topic.  Apparently he's going to write about some vampire named "William the Bloody".  Yeah, cheesy, huh?  I'll give you the abridged version of the story.  Old Bill gets turned into a vampire, wreaks some havoc in Europe, moves to America, wreaks more havoc, leaves, comes back to *shock* wreak havoc, falls in love with some chick who's supposed to kill him or something, she falls in love with him despite her solemn duty to shove a stake through his heart…they have kinky sex and everyone goes home happy.  Ta-da.  I mean, come on.  Somebody pass the butter and salt for this high quality corn.  But at least I have a topic now.  Vengeance demons.  Would that be a fun job or what?  I mean, you get to eviscerate people!  For a living!  Though I can't imagine the dental plan being too good.  Ha ha, having dental thoughts.  Oh, and Operation Barbiefy-Uncle-Angel went off without a hitch.  He didn't even notice it in the bathroom mirror!  Must not pay too close attention in the morning.  Hey!  New voice in the argument….what the hell!  Orange toothbrushes?  That's the most idiotic suggestion! Orange?  Who wants an orange toothbrush????

**Later**

            I'm grounded.  Well, not exactly grounded.  But I'm getting a strong feeling that I'm in big trouble.  I don't know what they're all freaked out about?  I mean, the Catholic club at school was selling crucifix necklaces for a fundraiser, and being the charitable soul I am, I bought one for everybody.  So I hung them on a door knob until I could hand them out.  I left to do something, next thing I know, Dad is swearing, Uncle Angel is shouting and I'm grounded.  I don't know what the big deal is.  They were just necklaces.  I can't believe they got so freaky.  Maybe they're Jewish.  Or have very bad repressed memories of Catholic school nuns.  But neither is any reason to wig out on me!  Maybe they're vampires.  Ha, I made a joke.  Aren't I hilarious?  Another note?  Uncle Angel is not very threatening with pink hair.  But he still somehow manages to be all ho-hum broody.  Someday, I'm going to have to ask him to give me lessons in brooding.  I mean, come on, I'm a teenager.  It's my sacred duty to brood.  Though I might want to wait till the whole "I not only dyed his hair pink but freaked him out with crucifixes" thing blows over.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to stare at my ceiling.


	6. The 6th Comes Out

            _When I came downstairs this morning, I knew something was up.  Someone new was in our house.  I could feel it in my bones.  I could also hear it from the kitchen, and see it on the coat rack.  So I went into the kitchen, bathed in morning sunlight…and wondered why I was so poetic this morning.  Freaky.  But anyway, a fairly old man was sitting at our breakfast table.  He turned around and choked when he saw me.  Literally.  He started choking on the omelet he was eating and Mom had to walk over and whack him on the back a couple times._

_            "I'd like you to meet someone honey," Mom said.  She was obviously tense.  I looked at her and back at the stranger._

_            "You better not be another godfather."  After assurances that, for once, this was in fact a blood relative, Mom introduced me to my Grandpa Summers.  He still looked very startled._

_            "Jenny," I told him, shaking his limp hand.  He kept on gaping at me.  Why is it that no one in this family has any manners except for me?_

_            "Buffy…you never told me…" He whispered very shaken.  Mom sighed and turned back to make me an omelet too._

_"When was I supposed to tell you, Dad?  After you left for Europe and didn't leave any phone number?  You're lucky I love Sunnydale so much.  You never would have found me if I had moved."  Now Grandpa looked very depressed.  Apparently another poor father figure in the family.  Maybe it's genetic for women in my bloodline to marry losers.  Now my future looks bright._

_            "But…a daughter?  And married," he cut off and looked sharply at her, "You are married, aren't you?"  Hey, you asked exactly what I've been wondering for all these years!  Mom blushed._

_            "Of course Dad.  It…it wasn't a normal wedding but…it'll hold up in courts."  She nervously twisted what must be her wedding ring.  Funny I had never noticed it before.  Wait a second.  Then why is my last name Summers?  If this is Mom's dad, Grandpa Summers…_

_            "So you're now Buffy…?"  Jeez this man is psychic._

_            "Summers.  William took my name."_

_            "William, eh?" Grandpa didn't look very pleased.  But then, it's probably a shock to come home to find your daughter married and with a kid.  I know I'd freak out.  Suddenly, I realized we'd been making much more racket then we were usually allowed to in the morning.  That meant…I listened closely.  Yup.  Just as I feared.  Heavy footsteps from downstairs.  Dad does not sound happy.  The basement door creaked open and Grandpa Summers jumped out of his skin._

_            "Buffy, where the bloody hell is my mug?" He demanded, squinting into the kitchen from the darkened door way.  Ooh, lovely picture.  Dad in skull and crossbones boxer shorts with a long black bathrobe.  You can see his knees.  God are they white!_

_            "I'll be right down.  We have company, so be nice," Mom gave him a meaningful stare that clearly said "Go-back-down-right-this-instant-I'll-explain-later".  With a grumble he tramped back downstairs slamming the door behind him.  Freaked out again, Grandpa Summers turned to stare at me when Mom diverted her eyes and went over to fridge to get Dad his "breakfast"._

_            "Jenny, what was that…thing?  He was so…so pale and thin!  Like a dead body…" he trailed off with a shudder.  I sighed and rolled my eyes.  Somehow I don't think this is going to go over too well._

_            "Chill out Grandpa.  That's just my dad."  If he thinks Dad is freaky, wait till he meets the rest of our housemates._

**Later**

            Hello hello.  Grandpa Summers in the house.  He had various reactions to the different people in the house.  We all converged for dinner, even Dad, Uncle Angel, and Aunt Dru who usually stay in the basement all day until when I'm going to bed.  Here is a list of Grandpa's reactions to each person.

Grandpa Summer's Reactions

  
Dad: Once he found out that was Dad, he was still totally freaked.  And at dinner he kept on drilling him about jobs, family, friends, he actually had the gall to ask about girls! That is one brave man.

Angel: Uncle Angel gave him the willies.  I think it was the mix of broodiness and pink hair.  It hasn't washed out yet. Ha ha.

Dru: As any normal person would be, he was totally terrified of Dru.  Uncle Giles assured him she was quite harmless, just a little "disoriented".  No, really?

Andrew: Since he was trying to hide a video camera under his sweater with very little success, Grandpa obviously thought he belonged on the bonkers-barge along with Aunt Dru.

Giles: Uncle Giles stopped by, so there was at least two sane people in the house.  Grandpa still seemed pretty wary of him though.

Me: Grandpa Summers was fairly comfortable with me, allowing that I'm the grandchild he didn't know he had.

            So Grandpa's stay here will be interesting, to say the very least.  Wahoo.  More "interesting"-ness.  Someday I am going to find out why all my parent's friends are freaks.  Really.  Yeah, it's totally unlikely.  And you know what?  I'm trying to find my place!  Yeah, sounds corny.  But I seriously need an after school activity.  If I spend too much more time in this house, I am seriously going to scream.  AAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!  Next time, it will be out loud.  I can promise you that.  Or maybe not.  Anyway, in my little "search for my place in the world" I have not got a clue what I'm gonna do.  I was thinking about working with our resident garage band.  I even asked one of the guys if I could help out some way.  And you know what he said?!? I'm not delinquent enough to keep up with their "image"! Come one! I'm a delinquent! I'm bad to the bone! I flunked an English paper! I take more than one spork at lunch just for the hell of it! I cheat at Pretty Pretty Princess!!! Ooh, better burn this page.  Mom would freak if she found out.  PPP is like, her favorite game.  She gets so obsessed with the jewelry.  Anyway…hey! I got info about Dad's old girlfriends!  I'll give a rundown.  First, there was this Cecily girl who he had a crush on but didn't like him.  Then he met Aunt Dru and forgot all about Cecily.  He and Dru were "on again off again" as he said it, and he had a short relationship with some Chinese girl.  Then back with Aunt Dru.  Then there was some lady named Nikki.  He said they wandered the streets for weeks before it ended.  Then back to Aunt Dru.  Then he met Mom.  Apparently they didn't get along at first, and he dated a cheerleader.  Then he fell in love with Mom, convinced her to love him, and they were together.  He says he was a different man before Mom and she "changed" him.  Oh, how sweet.  Gack, too much mush here.  And it's late. Bedtime for little Nibble.


	7. Sieben

Well, everybody has ran off and left me.  Grandpa left as fast as he possibly could to get away from us.  Can't blame him.  Andrew finally went back to his own apartment.  Mom and Dad are off on a "retreat".  So I got left here with Uncle Xander and Anya.  I wasn't sure why they needed to retreat, but now my mind is full of all sorts of lovely images.  The dialogue that follows happened this morning after they left:

Me: Why did Mom and Dad go on a retreat?

Xander: They wanted to…uh…bond and…

Anya: Oh Xander you can't do anything! They left so they could have lots and lots of sex whenever they wanted.

Me: Oh.

            Thank you Aunt Anya.  I am scarred for life.  So, let's get my mind off the subject.  My search for an activity is not going well.  I have ruled out anything to do with music.  I have no rhythm.  And the Drama Club is all full.  I can't draw for beans, and I couldn't win a chess game to save my soul.  At this rate, the only group that will accept me are those vampire worshippers down at the Sunset Club.  And they're really scary.  All they do is play violent music and wish they would burn in sunlight.  Weirdos.  And yes, I am sure you're wondering how I knew vampires burned in sunlight.  Thank Ham.  He's been helping me research.  Translation: He's been doing my research for me.  Hey!  I could join the occult club!  It's not like I have to be into any of that stuff, I just need to show up and nod.  Would Mom and Dad let me?  Do I have to tell them?  Wish that stupid band could see me now. Not telling my parents about extracurricular activities, I am one bad bad-ass!!!!  Oh ow, I stabbed myself with my pen…

**Later**

            All in all, it was a good day.  I didn't write so much, because I was actually having what those mortals call "fun". Uncle Xander and I played poker.  Not only am I $20 richer, I made Uncle Xander cry!  Anya, for all her faults, burns meat surprisingly skillfully and orders one mean pizza.  Now for the rest of the night, it's just me and Monty Python.  (Thank you to Uncle Giles for the DVD set)  I'm actually in an awesome mood.  Too bad I can't have such a fun weekend without the knowledge my parents are have probably been screwing each other all day. Oh. Shoot.  Now I'm going to have very disturbing dreams.


	8. Eighth Time's The Charm

A/N: There isn't going to be any diary in this chapter. Just so you know, it's all real life.

_            I spent this whole morning walking casually past the photo lab, hoping Snap would show.  No luck. Guess I won't run away to Vegas after all.  Occult club met in the library during free period.  Once I was sure Snap wasn't coming out, I jogged down with my books for next period.  There were actually more members than I expected. 3 Goths. 2 hippies. 2 computer nerds.  3 all-around geeks (Ham included). 1 gothic hippie. Scary.  They were seated all around the two tables, some in chairs, some on the table, some hanging off the book carts.  Everyone gave me a glance when I came in, except Ham who made a big show of waving me in.  Color me freaked._

_            "Everybody, this is Jenny. She's our new member."  There was a chorus of "hey"s and some waves of acknowledgment.  Ham sat back down and I dropped my books on the floor and took a seat._

_            "So that's it?" I asked with a small grin, "I don't have to sacrifice any baby animals? Or carve the motto into my flesh?"  Everyone laughed.  I definitely feel better now._

_            "Hey, did we ever think of a motto?" Gothic hippie said.  Now she was a strange sight. A black artfully tattered peasant blouse with a patchwork skirt in varying gray patterns.  Very…interesting._

_            "Not now Erica," Ham groaned, "We have to talk about fundraising.  James?"  One of the Goths pulled a crumpled paper out of one of his pockets and smoothed it absentmindedly._

_            "I talked to Principal Wood and he says if we want to fundraise we need an adult advisor."  There was a collective groan._

_            "What are we fundraising for?" I asked, feeling very out-of-the-loop.  Ham pulled a page printed from a website out from underneath "Vampires and Other Mythology"._

_            "'The Unabridged Demon Chronicles of Babylon' it's just recently been translated and is ungodly expensive."  I stared down at the page which showed a glossy book with a foul looking creature scowling out of the cover._

_            "Hmm." I responded noncommittally.  What was I supposed to say? You people are insane?  I personally couldn't see why anyone in anything resembling their right mind would want that book but, hey.  Wait a minute. That thing on the cover looks familiar.  I squinted down at it until something in my brain clicked._

_            "Uncle Giles has that," came out of my mouth before my mind registered it.  Everyone turned and stared at me._

_            "But it only was put on the market, like, a week ago," Hippie #1 said blinking his large brown eyes._

_            "It's, well, he has the original, not translated one."  More gaping. Why did I have to bring up Uncle Giles' collection of old, dirty, creepy books?  It was one of those things you don't generally tell people about until you've known them for a long time.  Like 3,000 years._

_            "That is so cool!" Ham broke the silence, "Do you think he'd be our advisor?"  Now it was my turn to be struck speechless.  Tweedy old Uncle Giles, advisor to the occult club?  Well, he was into all this weirdo stuff…_

_            "I suppose," I admitted unenthusiastically._

_            "Will you ask? Ask for us?" I nodded and sighed.  Just when I find something that's supposed to get me away from my "family"._

**_Later_**__

_            "Jenny Summers, please report to the office.  Jenny Summers, to the office." The P.A. box said to my science class.  I stood up and left to the symphony of accusatory "ooohs".  Now I was worried. What did I do? Why did I have to go to the office? I didn't mean to take two sporks, I swear!  I strode past Calculus, Biology and Trig.  Through Senior Hallway.  Finally to the office. The walk took about 2 minutes. But it seemed like it took…two minutes.  No drama there.  Opened the door and stepped in.  Mom looked up from her desk and smiled._

_            "Hi honey, I have an errand I need you to run, so I'm going to have to give you a pass to leave…" she started shuffling through the papers on her desk. Whoa now, hold everything.  Do you mean to tell me I got called down to the office and spent all those minutes worrying just so Mom could send me on an errand?_

_            "Mom…"_

_            "Here," She held up two slips of paper, one the bright blue 'leaving school' pass, "Go to the butchers and give him the paper.  Just tell him it's for the Summers. He'll know what to give you.  When you get home, could you make up a cup of it for your father? Microwave it and everything. I'd go myself, but the phones have been ringing off the hook since the-" she cut herself off with a nervous laugh.  I rolled my eyes and took the papers.  No arguing with Mom when she was nervous laughing.  At least I didn't have to take that science test._

**_Later_**__

_            I looked up at the butcher's sign at the address Mom had given me.  I pushed in and a cheery little bell rang._

_            "Just a minute!" A fairly tall, beefy man emerged a second later, wiping his hands on a bloody apron. Gross._

_            "Can I help you?" Larry, thank you nametags, asked, giving me a suspicious look._

_            "I'm here to pick up the Summers order," I told him coolly, flashing the paper.  He squinted at me and smiled._

_            "So you're Buffy's girl."  I nodded slightly. Did absolutely everybody in this town know my mom?  He smiled again and grabbed a big white bag from under the counter._

_            "Here you go.  Tell the old Buffster I said hi."  I nodded again and got out of there as fast as I humanly could.  Scary scary scary. Why does every single adult I ever meet, look at me, smile, and say "Oh, you're Buffy's girl. Tell her I said hi" or some variation.  God._

**_Later_**__

_            At home, I opened the bag and pulled out a plastic milk carton full of icky red wine.  It looked kind of thick, but hey, if Dad wants gross yucky alcohol, let him have it.  I poured some into his usual mug sitting by the microwave, and popped it in for a few minutes.  Once it was done, I grabbed a couple mini-marshmallows and dropped them in, just to be nice. I'm a saint, I tell you.  So I open the basement door, and I can hear Dad pacing.  Door slammed shut and he stopped._

_            "Love, finally.  I seriously need it.  Ooh, good smell, it's getting me all vamped out."  Vamped out? Must be some weird alcoholic slang.  I touched his shoulder gently, and he turned around.  His face was contorted, all bumpy and his teeth looked like fangs, and his eyes were a scary yellow color.  His eager smile disappeared when he saw me._

_            "Jenny," he whispered.  I did what any normal girl should do in such circumstances. I dropped the mug, screamed, and fainted._


	9. Nine at Last

            _"Jenny?"_

_            "Baby…"_

_            "Nibble, come on…"  I opened my eyes slowly to see everybody hanging over me. Everybody including: Mom, Uncle Xander, Anya, Aunt Willow, Faith, Uncle Giles, Uncle Angel, and Dad.  Dad!  I scooted away from his worried face, trying to hide behind a pillow.  I knew it was irrational.  I knew he could still see me.  But I had to get away from him.  I wanted to distance myself as far away as I could.  His face, now normal, drooped, and he backed away.  Mom put a hand on his arm and gave him a light kiss on the cheek._

_            "What…is…going…on…" I asked, staring at them, suspicion now overtaking the pain in my head.  Why did Dad look all freaky?_

_            "Bloody…" Dad began, rubbing his head thoughtfully, "Where to…well…Buffy, you do it."  Mom rolled her eyes and stepped forward._

_            "You see, honey. We're not, exactly…what we appear."_

**_Later_**__

Back in the journal.  My head is spinning, so I think I'll write this down to try and figure it out.  Mom is the Slayer.  It's her duty to kill evil stuff.  Like vampires and demons, which, by the way, really do exist.  Uncle Giles used to be her Watcher, which means he trained her and stuff, but he got fired and then Mom quit.  So they just fought demons on their own.  Faith is a Slayer too.  Even though there's only supposed to be one. Which I don't really get.  Anyway, Aunt Willow isn't just a Wicca, she's a real witch.  At least I know now why the Wizard of Oz upset her so much.  She's done all sorts of cool stuff, even brought Mom back from the dead.  Anya used to be a demon.  But she isn't anymore.  She lost her powers.  And her tact.  Uncle Xander is still a normal guy.  At least one thing hasn't changed.  And here's the answer to the Daily Double. Dad is a vampire. So is Uncle Angel and Aunt Dru.  All three of them are soulless blood-sucking fiends.  Well, they used to be.  None of them are blood-suckers anymore, and Dad and Uncle Angel both have souls.  Didn't ask.  And we've had some severely twisted relationships going on.  Here's the list.

Jenny's List of Twisted (Sometimes Incestuous) Relationships

Angel Drusilla: Uncle Angel made Aunt Dru a vampire.  But first he drove her insane. Nice guy, huh?  Well, they were going for a while, until he got bored of her.  Which led to…

Spike/William Drusilla: Turns out Dad is actually that "William the Bloody" guy Ham keeps talking about.  Well, Uncle Angel was sick of Aunt Dru, and Aunt Dru was sick of being ignored, till she met Dad when for some odd reason he was wandering in an alley.  She turned him into a vampire and they were together for like, a century.

Angel Buffy:  Yeah, Mom was Uncle Angel's first girlfriend after he got his soul.  Then she…ick ick ick…slept with him and he lost the soul.  He turned evil, tried to kill all of my other Aunts/Uncles until Mom killed him.  But he came back.  This boy doesn't die easy.  But they couldn't be together, cue violins, so he went to live in L.A.

AngelSpike/WilliamDrusilla: Warning=love triangle. When he was evil, Uncle Angel liked to flirt with Aunt Dru who had always adored him in some sick way to make Dad jealous and grumpy.  Which it did.

Spike/William Buffy: The only lasting relationship here. Mom and Dad.  Just like Ham said.  Dad came back and forth causing havoc and generally trying to kill Mom.  Then he realized he loved her…had a very sick obsession phase…and then she realized she loved him back and the rest led to me.

Jenny's List of Things That Make A Lot More Sense Now

Andrew-Turns out he murdered his best friend and was egged on by Warren-dude. Who was actually "The First". Then his friend kept coming back to haunt him, though it wasn't really him, it was "The First" again, which was this evil thing that could take the form of any dead person.  Mom defeated it.  Big surprise. Dad vs. Uncle Angel-Apparently Dad is still mad at Uncle Angel for a. coming between him and Aunt Dru and b. sleeping with Mom.  Lots of pent up frustration. Dad vs. Mr. Wood-Dad killed Mr. Wood's mom who was the Slayer at the time.  Fun, huh?  Name: Nikki Wood. Where "Nikki's boy" comes from.  Also turns out Mr. Wood and Dad did duke it out! The First had a way to make Dad savage vamp monster thing, and Principal Wood convinced Uncle Giles to let him kill Dad.  Also now seeing Uncle Giles in whole new light.  Obviously though, Dad won.  He let Wood live.  What a sweetie. Mom and Dad "excursions"-Turns out Dad doesn't suck after all! He can't help all his weirdness, he's a vampire! And when he and Mom go out, their demon-fighting which would explain the bruises and cuts.  Yay for Dad! I gave him a big hug when I found this out.  He was happy. Dad knowing about guys-Using his vampire skills, Dad can-prepare for ick factor-smell guy on me.  How gross is that? Dad's car windows-He can drive without worrying about burning in sunlight! Dad lives in basement-Above substituting "live" for "drive" Youth thing-Why Dad, Uncle Angel, and Aunt Dru for that matter, look so goddamn young! They don't get older! Aunt Dru as a whole-Uncle Angel murdered her entire family.  Yeah, that could make a person a little zany.  And that dress she was wearing too. Uncle Giles' books-A guy who knew about demons and stuff for a living should have a rather extensive library of demon and stuff books. Why everyone in the whole freakin' town knows Mom-she saved them at one point or another. Barbie-fying success-Uncle Angel couldn't see that his hair was pink because he doesn't have a reflection! But that also leads to… 

Jenny's List of Things That Make Less Sense Than Before

1. How does Uncle Angel gel/Dad bleach his hair without a reflection?

2. Mom died? Why does nobody tell me these things?

3. Why does Mom work in a high school if she battles evil?

4. How did Aunt Willow become a witch in boring old evil Sunnydale?

5. Why is Uncle Xander part of the "Scoobies" if he doesn't have any power?

6. Why does Anya hang over Uncle Xander? She's supposed to hate men.

7. THE BIG ONE: Where did I come from? Ham Fact: Vamps can't have children.

As you can see, there is lots of things I have to wonder about.  Though I am happy I have some answers.  And that my family isn't insane, just a collection of supernatural beings.  With the exception of Aunt Dru for the insane part.  But everything is fairly peachy.  Only problem is how to not tell anybody.  Because I have been ordered not to tell anyone about anything.  Also there's the big gross thing that about half of my family drinks blood out of mugs.  Maybe you wonder why I just believe all this.  Well, there are several reasons.

Reasons to Believe

I knew strange stuff happens in this town.  Now I really know. I've seen waaaay too many unexplained deaths at school not to wonder if there's something supernatural going on. The whole thing is way to crazy to be made up.  Truth is stranger than fiction. It's nice to have an explanation that covers up everything weird going on in your life. (Hey nasty kids in 3rd grade, my dad didn't come to the father-child pancake breakfast cause he would be more fried than the pancakes! And he can kick all your dads' asses! So there!) 

I'm obviously having no trouble adjusting.  My life is cool now!  I'm not a totally directionless freshman loser!  I'm the product of a family of SUPERHEROES!!!!! 


	10. Number Ten

Went to school today.  It was uneventful.  Well, mostly.  I had a much harder time sitting there listening to Queen Ashleigh be bitchy when I was just bursting to scream "If you aren't nicer to me I've got a dad, godfather and godmother all ready to eat you!"  Which, of course, I could not do, being sworn into the Scooby Club of Secrecy.  Bleh.  Also, I told Ham, etc. that Uncle Giles would be thrilled to be our adviser.  He's not really thrilled, but I thought it sounded nice.  He actually coughed when I asked and started grumbling that he had spent enough time in a high school to last him well into the great beyond, but Mom poked him.  So, we've got an adviser.  Yay! I'm actually taking a much greater interest in supernatural stuff…considering I'm living in a family pretty much made of some.

My classes are same as usual.  It's kind of strange knowing Ms. Madison might actually turn me into a rat if I turn in some late assignment.  Creepy.  We're doing Biology in science class, but it's sort of humdrum since I am now one of the trusted few who know that science doesn't really have much to do with anything if you don't want it to.  I mean, come on.

Jenny's List of Things Science Cannot Explain that Are In My Life

My dad, Uncle Angel and Aunt Dru are all walking talking corpses My mom was brought back from the dead Aunt Willow makes things float, light up and all sorts of funky stuff Mom and Faith have been endowed with WAY super-human powers Anya was a demon.  She lived for over 1000 years. Uncle Xander knows all this **↑** but is still attracted to her ME!!! I am the child of a Slayer and a dead guy. Uncle Giles can fit like an entire library into his brain 

So there you have it.  Come on, you knew I was gonna work at least one list in here. I make lists.  It's something I do.  Anyway, Cat might be coming over for dinner on Friday, so I have to figure out how to scare most of my family away.

LATER

Freaky. Freaky. Freaky.  I thought I had totally defined "freaky" with my life, and now it's just gone freakier.  There is a dude sitting in my living room with military clothes.  He's really big.  Not fat, just big.  Impressive.  Dad and Uncle Angel both look really pissed, Mom looks really uncomfortable and Military Man looks confused.  What a shocker.  Oh, wait, hearing something…

_"Well you can take your bloody chip out of Drusilla!"_

_"Forget it! She's a danger to society!  Buffy, help me out! You understand!"_

_"Spike has a point…"_

_"WHAT? You've all lost it! I can't believe you married this, this THING Buffy!!!"_

Oh my.  This dude isn't gonna know what hit him.  How dare he call Dad a thing!  And did Mom just call him Spike?  Why did she call him Spike?  I thought that was just some creepy nickname Uncle Angel had for him when he was evil.  So Aunt Dru has a chip.  This could get interesting. That's probably why she came here all of a sudden.  Hmmm…more deliberation might be in order….


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